His Stuff

His stuff was nice when you were dating. You wandered through his apartment looking at all the furniture, the little knick-knacks and the "wall-art" thinking - how cute! When you saw his attempts at interior decorating, you felt a little like you'd feel if you happened upon a two-year old trying to dress herself or perform complex mathematical equations - well isn't that just adorable! In fact, the only thing you find more adorable than his early attempts at decorating is the quaint little idea he somehow got stuck in his head that he's going to be able to keep anything he purchased Before Marriage (B.M.). Now that you're living together, you don't want to live in a man-cave. You want doilies and table-runners and pink frilly toilet seat covers made of thick shag carpeting that make it impossible to leave the toilet seat up! But how do you banish everything he ever owned or loved from the B.M. era? I'm glad you asked...

You'll need to start small. If you come right out demanding that he jettison his entire collection of medieval torture devices on display, you're likely to get some push-back. I know you hate them. You need to be patient. The first step of course is identifying which of his items need to be disposed of. No doubt by now you'll realize that I'm joking about the first step - of course all of his things will need to go. If he had interior decorating skills he no doubt would have married another man who also had interior decorating skills.

Some effective methods for the eradication of all he holds dear include:

1. Arson - While this may sound risky, as they say - the ends justify the means. There's nothing like a clean (albeit charred and blackened) slate to start your marriage off on the right foot. Be sure to remove any valuables you don't want entirely destroyed. This method has additional unintended benefits - like pest control and getting rid of any old love letters now that he'll no longer need them.

Pros - no long, drawn out arguments; possible insurance money to buy more pillows.

Cons - prison time.

2. Hide-then-Toss - Practicioners of this method will take a single item and hide it somewhere he'll never think to look (ie: behind the tampons). If he notices that the item is missing, you can pull it out from it's hiding place and say something like "Oh, I just wanted to polish that up for you" or (if he seems particularly suspicious or upset) claim you were "thinking of getting it chromed." More than likely he won't even realize that it's gone (unless it's electronic in which case - good luck). If he doesn't say anything for a month, you're free to throw it away and move onto the next item. While this method can be time-consuming, it's currently being practiced successfully by over 73% of wives according to an independent poll.

Pros - subtle; low risk

Cons - time consuming - especially if he has a good memory or large collections of anything that needs to be disposed of.

3. Blackmail - This one is really easy. "How about this? You can either keep your autographed poster of Steve Young or we can keep having sex on a regular basis. I'll let you decide."

Pros - he can still maintain the illusion that he's in the driver's seat.

Cons - sex on a regular basis.

4. Hypnotism (aka: Jedi Mind Tricks) -

Step 1: Remove Clothes.

Step 2: Tell him what to do.

Step 3: Repeat (as necessary)

*Note - this also works in a variety of other situations.

**Warning - do not attempt while he is driving or operating heavy machinery.

Pros - you can, quite literally, get him to do anything (yes ladies, even housework).

Cons - pregnancy.

If you've had success with these or other methods, please share with the rest of our readers in the comments section.

Pillows

When you're planning the domestication of your man, be sure to start simple. If you start throwing words out like "pillow shams" or "duvet covers" or (heaven forbid) "Ballet Dress Tutu Bow Holders" you're going to scare him off faster than you can say "Pottery Barn". Instead, start slow. Nobody jumps right into heroin use...that's why they invented marijuana (the "gateway drug"). To introduce your man to the world of civilized interior decoration, you need to wean him of his bad habits (ie: everything he's ever known or done up until this point). One relatively painless way to do this is to introduce him to a "gateway decoration".

A successful gateway decoration is something he's already seen, something he knows...even something he thinks he understands. My suggestion: Pillows. Chances are, your man has already developed a relationship with pillows. He's probably already spent a lot of quality time napping on them, fighting with them, throwing them at people and spinning them on his finger. He sees them as a useful tool and an acceptable weapon in civilized encounters. So you make the innocuous suggestion that "maybe a couple of pillows would look nice on the couch"...and if you've done your job and lured him into a false sense of security, he might even agree. "Sure - pillows sound nice" he says picturing future pillow fights and fondly remembering naps.

You start slow - Rome wasn't built in a day...and it probably took a few years (and thousands of dedicated women) before the Roman empire was completely inundated in pillows (which arguably led to its ultimate downfall. 1-2 should do the trick for starters. The trick is you find pillows that are somewhat masculine. If you can find pillows with ninjas on them - it's worth the investment to lull him into that false sense of security (besides, along everything else he loves, you'll be throwing them away soon enough). From here, add a pillow a week - but never more than 1. Alternate between a throw pillow for the couch and a "decorative" pillow for the bed. (***IMPORTANT NOTE*** - BE SURE TO THROW AWAY ANY RECEIPTS FOR PILLOWS YOU BUY. IF YOU KEEP RECEIPTS, WHEN HE FINALLY FIGURES OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, HE MAY DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE SOME BACK. WITHOUT A RECEIPT, YOUR HANDS ARE TIED.)

By the time he gets wise to the plot, there will hardly be a square inch of living space that is not "accented" by a pillow of some sort. And by then it will be too late. And thus we see that by small and supple things are great things brought to pass.

Living With a Girl

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However, if the aforementioned man were made aware of the effect such a wife would have on his "good fortune", not to mention his wardrobe, eating habits, manly decorations, waistline, television watching habits and aspirations to become either a ninja or a professional athlete...it should be fairly easy to convince him that it might be a better idea to be "in want" of something else - like a puppy, or a housekeeper or a rattlesnake. Alas, such a man in the throes of passion would surely ignore any such warnings and continue to skip merrily towards that brave new world of marriage.

They say that before a horse can be of any use, it must be broken. So in order to create something "useful", you must first take this wild creature, with all of its desires, hopes and dreams...and carefully and systematically crush its will. I've often wondered, if the poor beast could talk, what he might say in the midst of this cruel process. I imagine that a broken horse remembers very little about its previous life. A broken horse would have little more than a hazy recollection of hanging with its horse-bros or staying out past 10pm. It has indeed become something new and different...but if we could somehow capture his thoughts before the transformation is complete - what might we learn?

I've been told that the first year of marriage is a lot like that period of horse breaking. This wild creature is taken and confined and then carefully and systematically its will is broken...so that eventually it can be of some use. Right ladies? Spoiler alert: when most women look at potential mates, they're looking for potential - they're not looking for a finished product. In fact, women get the same look in their eye at the sight of an unbroken male that a man might get if he were to find an old broken down '67 stingray for $500. "Wow! This is going to be AMAZING...in four or five years" they both think as they rush to their respective acquisitions. And when the purchase is made and the vows exchanged, the gifts neatly stowed and the thank yous mailed out...when the man and the woman move in together in marital bliss...like a symphony at the first waves of a conductor's hand, the process of breaking begins.

And so I begin my triumphant return to the world of blogging. If anyone is still reading this after many, many months of silence, you're in luck. For the first time in recorded history, you'll get a firsthand look at this process from the perspective of the horse. The beast will open his mouth and speak from this no-man's land - neither completely wild nor completely tame; no longer "free" per se, but not yet broken.