Chances are if you married a man, unless he was raised with 9 older sisters, his television viewing tastes are entirely unacceptable. You often ask yourself why God allowed Walker, Texas Ranger to be placed on this earth in the midst of all of his beautiful creations. How many times have you walked in on your man - practically passed out in the middle of enough crumbs and food scraps to feed at least 11 of those starving African children - watching something called Deathwatch Cage Fighting IX - The Bloodiest Bloodbath of Broken Bloody Brains or Bounce House VIII - Bikini Babes Unleashed or (perhaps the worst of all) Sportscenter? I know, the mere thought of that peppy Da na nA, da na NA makes your blood run cold. Why does he watch these horrific shows? Doesn't he know that he could be watching The Real Housewives of Cochabamba Bolivia? Has he ever even watched TLC? I'm sure he'd love So You Think You Can Dance if he would just give it a chance! If you want to continue living with your man and also maintain your sanity, something's gotta give...and we all know that something is him.
So rather than suffering through another playoff game or another Southpark episode, you need to take control and let him know who picks out the pants for him to wear. Try some of these handy tips and you'll never have to watch Spike TV or Versus again.
Step 1. Hide the remote. Turn the TV to your favorite channel (TLC, HGTV, Bravo, Lifetime...) and hide the remote somewhere he'll never think to look - like where you keep the empty trash bags that he can never seem to find after you finally get him to empty the trash. He'll show up, see what's on TV and start looking for the remote. He'll start by checking all the usual places - coffee table, entertainment center, refrigerator...when that doesn't work he'll start digging into couch cushions and throwing pillows out of the way...finally, in desperation, he will actually start overturning furniture as if trying to free a trapped child. Rest assured ladies, the one thing the man will never do is walk up to the TV and change the channel manually (ie: the old fashioned way). There is something in male DNA that will not allow him to do this. He feels it's somehow beneath him...as if ever since man discovered fire, invented the wheel and figured out how to make self-adhesive stamps...he was freed from such menial tasks as changing a channel "by hand". Eventually he will either pass out from exhaustion or simply leave the house to buy another remote control...which is when you need to move on to:
Step 2. Food. Men are simple creatures. Their feeble little minds can only hold so many ideas at one time. When he comes back from Radio Shack with the latest universal remote, you should be waiting with copious amounts of food. If there is enough of it, he won't even notice what's on TV, he won't even know where he is. He'll most likely assume he's slipped into some magical parallel universe where buffalo wings sprout from the table and pizza bagels fall from the sky. And so while he works himself into a food coma, you can relax and enjoy The Bachelor.
Steps 1 and 2 are only temporary fixes. For a long-term solution, you're going to have to bring out the big guns (no, I'm not saying you should shoot him, instead try):
Step 3. The Ultimatum. Sure you resort to this one all the time...but why shouldn't you? It works. What was it that Maslow said? "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." It's a simple choice really, he's gonna have to choose between you and his TV viewing habits. Now you need to be careful in how you present these options. If you come right out and say "You have to choose - it's either me or your 52" High Definition Plasma TV"...you may not be entirely satisfied with his answer. If, on the other hand you present these options when it's "business time" (see below) both your television and your man will both soon forget that there ever was such a thing as ESPN.
