Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better...

If my résumé were to list even a fraction of the things that I'm capable of, it would take Chuck Norris roughly ten years to read through it. You see...I can do anything. You read that right grandma, no need to go digging for those reading glasses - I CAN DO ANYTHING. Even a cursory examination of the sheer volume of my overall prowess would boggle the mind of Stephen Hawking.

And yet, with all of my incredible skills and abilities, the power to convince my wife of this fact has thus far eluded me. Go figure.

Back me up here men - is there anything in the world short of growing an extra finger that you couldn't do if you were given ample time and appropriate resources? Archimedes got it. This man's man once said: "give me a place to stand and with a lever I will move the whole world." And yet I find myself constantly trying to convince my wife that I'm perfectly capable of performing such menial tasks as giving myself a haircut, assembling a wedding bouquet, making a decorative throw pillow or discovering on my own the "secret" recipe for the colonel's chicken.

Throughout history, courageous men with little more than an idea and a certain male-born conviction have defied convention and changed the course of the world. Newton, Gutenberg, Bell, Da Vinci, Edison, the Wright brothers and the guy who invented the Snuggie refused to listen to the nay-sayers and instead set out to prove that they could in fact do what they'd been insisting they could do all along. And now after a year and four months of marriage, I'm convinced that the true mother of invention has never been necessity. When these great men set out to create their game-changing inventions, they didn't do it for the money or the fame, they did it to prove to their wives that they could do it.

I can picture it now - old Tom Edison is sitting at home with his wife Mary, reading by light of a candle (Mary, on the other hand was probably watching HGTV or other such nonsense). Mary says something along the lines of "Tom, it's really hard hard to watch "Tabathas Salon Takeover" with all of that candle flickering going on." To which Tom responded "Yeah? I bet I could invent a light source that would be way better than this candle." Mary scoffed (which hasn't been done since 1921 but basically means laughed derisively) and insisted that Tom was full of some kind of animal excrement. Well, Tom took this pretty hard and disappeared into his workshop to prove Mary wrong. When he emerged seven years later Mary had died of consumption (no idea what that means) four years earlier - but Tom danced on her grave by the light of the brand new 1 million candlepower spotlight he had invented.

So - with all the many hundreds of millions of things capable of, isn't it ironic that the one thing I haven't figured out how to do is to somehow convince my wife that I'm capable...?

Familial Careers

We've talked quite a bit about what kinds of careers we need in the family...I'm going to post what we currently have and a few suggestions of my own:

Dad - International Business Executive
Suggestion - Couldn't you find something in a more useful or exciting field than mailing products? I'm thinking something like helicopter sales or German/Italian automobiles...I'd even settle for something in the action sports industry. I'd also be open to you starting a company like Microsoft or Google...or, if you feel so inclined, becoming the next Warren Buffett.
Mom - High School History teacher
Suggestion -
Ken - Commercial Real Estate Analyst / Home Remodeler / Professional Ladies Man
Suggestion - I'm thinking you should find some land on the coast...maybe between Laguna and Newport...and build us each a house. I'm not talking about anything fancy - just an average 6 bedroom 9 1/2 bath 12,000 square foot little something will do fine for me and Vanessa. If you could arrange the financing as well, that would be great...but we don't want to pay much more than the $985 we're currently paying at woodcrest.
Tiff - Teacher
Suggestion - Ummmm...don't we already have one of these? Could you maybe start a chain of gyms...or better yet invent some sort of weight loss pill that works no matter what you eat/do?
David - Team Manager / Law School Applicant / Future Attorney
Suggestion - I'm the first to admit that outside of setting up mutual fund accounts that will never be subject to sales charge, I'm not adding a whole lot to the mix. But just you wait - soon enough I will be taking care of our every legal need. This will include suing the pants off of anyone we disapprove of, setting up trusts for the copious amounts of money we'll be taking in, and arranging to have dead horses heads placed in the beds of movie executives who don't give our children/grandchildren parts in their upcoming movies.
Vanessa - HR / Legal Secretary / Admin Assistant
Suggestion - Vanessa has volunteered to take care of all of the family's child care needs on our beachfront ranch. She will change all diapers and deal with all of your children (so you don't have to) until they reach the age of 5 at which point they're your problem.
Escot - Accountant / World Traveler / Grammar Police
Suggestion - Start a hedge fund. I'm not talking about one that exploits underpriviliged children in eastern Europe...just one that makes lots and lots of money without any effort on our part.
Escot's Future Spouse -
Suggestion - since you brought Melina into the mix, you've promised us a doctor and a docter we shall have. If things don't work out, I'm sorry to inform you that you've effectively limited your future dating options to the medical field. And no, we don't need any nurses, you'd better either marry this one or find another one just like her.
Karina - Dietician / Musician
Suggestion - two words: Brittany Spears. Drop this churchy theme and think trashy instead. Brittany Spears' life is a testament to the fact that money and success in fact CAN buy happiness. Alternate Suggestion: invent food that tastes good and is still healthy.
Jason - Former Sprint Employee / Computer Engineering Student / Future Bill Gates
Suggestion - Be Bill Gates.
Peter - Lifeguard / Cyclist
Suggestion - We're kind of wide open here, but there are plenty of things we need...which I'll list at the bottom of this post. But in the meantime maybe you could be the next Lance Armstrong minus the testicular cancer.
Peter's Woman - Currently in-n-out worker (which ironically doesn't help us at all) / hairdresser (which we already have one of).
Suggestion - Dentist, Heiress, Movie Star
Natalie - Hairdresser
Suggestion - find a cure for baldness...if Dad's any indication, we're going to need it.
Ian - Fencer / Speedo Model / Video Game Player
Suggestion - See below - pick any career you're drawn to, as long as it's on the list.

That's everyone in the immediate family...it's left quite a few gaps, so start grooming your children as soon as possible to fill any of the following roles:

Professional Athlete - I'm talking about a REAL sport...not water polo.
Hitman (or woman)
Dentist
President of the United States (see also: Senator, Congressman and NO, we do not need anyone in the state or local legislature)
Plastic Surgeon
Police Officer (as long as he/she can get us out of tickets)
CEO of In N Out
Inventor of the hover car
Stuntman (or woman)
Dean of a prestigious (top 10) university
New York Times Bestselling Author
Actor/Model (not the other way around)
Movie Producer/Director
Richest Man/Woman on earth
Robber Baron
Pirate
Ninja
Batman

Other suggestions?

David endorses this forwarded email

It doesn't happen very often...but this one made my Friday afternoon:


I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Television

Chances are if you married a man, unless he was raised with 9 older sisters, his television viewing tastes are entirely unacceptable. You often ask yourself why God allowed Walker, Texas Ranger to be placed on this earth in the midst of all of his beautiful creations. How many times have you walked in on your man - practically passed out in the middle of enough crumbs and food scraps to feed at least 11 of those starving African children - watching something called Deathwatch Cage Fighting IX - The Bloodiest Bloodbath of Broken Bloody Brains or Bounce House VIII - Bikini Babes Unleashed or (perhaps the worst of all) Sportscenter? I know, the mere thought of that peppy Da na nA, da na NA makes your blood run cold. Why does he watch these horrific shows? Doesn't he know that he could be watching The Real Housewives of Cochabamba Bolivia? Has he ever even watched TLC? I'm sure he'd love So You Think You Can Dance if he would just give it a chance! If you want to continue living with your man and also maintain your sanity, something's gotta give...and we all know that something is him.

So rather than suffering through another playoff game or another Southpark episode, you need to take control and let him know who picks out the pants for him to wear. Try some of these handy tips and you'll never have to watch Spike TV or Versus again.

Step 1. Hide the remote. Turn the TV to your favorite channel (TLC, HGTV, Bravo, Lifetime...) and hide the remote somewhere he'll never think to look - like where you keep the empty trash bags that he can never seem to find after you finally get him to empty the trash. He'll show up, see what's on TV and start looking for the remote. He'll start by checking all the usual places - coffee table, entertainment center, refrigerator...when that doesn't work he'll start digging into couch cushions and throwing pillows out of the way...finally, in desperation, he will actually start overturning furniture as if trying to free a trapped child. Rest assured ladies, the one thing the man will never do is walk up to the TV and change the channel manually (ie: the old fashioned way). There is something in male DNA that will not allow him to do this. He feels it's somehow beneath him...as if ever since man discovered fire, invented the wheel and figured out how to make self-adhesive stamps...he was freed from such menial tasks as changing a channel "by hand". Eventually he will either pass out from exhaustion or simply leave the house to buy another remote control...which is when you need to move on to:

Step 2. Food. Men are simple creatures. Their feeble little minds can only hold so many ideas at one time. When he comes back from Radio Shack with the latest universal remote, you should be waiting with copious amounts of food. If there is enough of it, he won't even notice what's on TV, he won't even know where he is. He'll most likely assume he's slipped into some magical parallel universe where buffalo wings sprout from the table and pizza bagels fall from the sky. And so while he works himself into a food coma, you can relax and enjoy The Bachelor.

Steps 1 and 2 are only temporary fixes. For a long-term solution, you're going to have to bring out the big guns (no, I'm not saying you should shoot him, instead try):

Step 3. The Ultimatum. Sure you resort to this one all the time...but why shouldn't you? It works. What was it that Maslow said? "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail." It's a simple choice really, he's gonna have to choose between you and his TV viewing habits. Now you need to be careful in how you present these options. If you come right out and say "You have to choose - it's either me or your 52" High Definition Plasma TV"...you may not be entirely satisfied with his answer. If, on the other hand you present these options when it's "business time" (see below) both your television and your man will both soon forget that there ever was such a thing as ESPN.

His Stuff

His stuff was nice when you were dating. You wandered through his apartment looking at all the furniture, the little knick-knacks and the "wall-art" thinking - how cute! When you saw his attempts at interior decorating, you felt a little like you'd feel if you happened upon a two-year old trying to dress herself or perform complex mathematical equations - well isn't that just adorable! In fact, the only thing you find more adorable than his early attempts at decorating is the quaint little idea he somehow got stuck in his head that he's going to be able to keep anything he purchased Before Marriage (B.M.). Now that you're living together, you don't want to live in a man-cave. You want doilies and table-runners and pink frilly toilet seat covers made of thick shag carpeting that make it impossible to leave the toilet seat up! But how do you banish everything he ever owned or loved from the B.M. era? I'm glad you asked...

You'll need to start small. If you come right out demanding that he jettison his entire collection of medieval torture devices on display, you're likely to get some push-back. I know you hate them. You need to be patient. The first step of course is identifying which of his items need to be disposed of. No doubt by now you'll realize that I'm joking about the first step - of course all of his things will need to go. If he had interior decorating skills he no doubt would have married another man who also had interior decorating skills.

Some effective methods for the eradication of all he holds dear include:

1. Arson - While this may sound risky, as they say - the ends justify the means. There's nothing like a clean (albeit charred and blackened) slate to start your marriage off on the right foot. Be sure to remove any valuables you don't want entirely destroyed. This method has additional unintended benefits - like pest control and getting rid of any old love letters now that he'll no longer need them.

Pros - no long, drawn out arguments; possible insurance money to buy more pillows.

Cons - prison time.

2. Hide-then-Toss - Practicioners of this method will take a single item and hide it somewhere he'll never think to look (ie: behind the tampons). If he notices that the item is missing, you can pull it out from it's hiding place and say something like "Oh, I just wanted to polish that up for you" or (if he seems particularly suspicious or upset) claim you were "thinking of getting it chromed." More than likely he won't even realize that it's gone (unless it's electronic in which case - good luck). If he doesn't say anything for a month, you're free to throw it away and move onto the next item. While this method can be time-consuming, it's currently being practiced successfully by over 73% of wives according to an independent poll.

Pros - subtle; low risk

Cons - time consuming - especially if he has a good memory or large collections of anything that needs to be disposed of.

3. Blackmail - This one is really easy. "How about this? You can either keep your autographed poster of Steve Young or we can keep having sex on a regular basis. I'll let you decide."

Pros - he can still maintain the illusion that he's in the driver's seat.

Cons - sex on a regular basis.

4. Hypnotism (aka: Jedi Mind Tricks) -

Step 1: Remove Clothes.

Step 2: Tell him what to do.

Step 3: Repeat (as necessary)

*Note - this also works in a variety of other situations.

**Warning - do not attempt while he is driving or operating heavy machinery.

Pros - you can, quite literally, get him to do anything (yes ladies, even housework).

Cons - pregnancy.

If you've had success with these or other methods, please share with the rest of our readers in the comments section.

Pillows

When you're planning the domestication of your man, be sure to start simple. If you start throwing words out like "pillow shams" or "duvet covers" or (heaven forbid) "Ballet Dress Tutu Bow Holders" you're going to scare him off faster than you can say "Pottery Barn". Instead, start slow. Nobody jumps right into heroin use...that's why they invented marijuana (the "gateway drug"). To introduce your man to the world of civilized interior decoration, you need to wean him of his bad habits (ie: everything he's ever known or done up until this point). One relatively painless way to do this is to introduce him to a "gateway decoration".

A successful gateway decoration is something he's already seen, something he knows...even something he thinks he understands. My suggestion: Pillows. Chances are, your man has already developed a relationship with pillows. He's probably already spent a lot of quality time napping on them, fighting with them, throwing them at people and spinning them on his finger. He sees them as a useful tool and an acceptable weapon in civilized encounters. So you make the innocuous suggestion that "maybe a couple of pillows would look nice on the couch"...and if you've done your job and lured him into a false sense of security, he might even agree. "Sure - pillows sound nice" he says picturing future pillow fights and fondly remembering naps.

You start slow - Rome wasn't built in a day...and it probably took a few years (and thousands of dedicated women) before the Roman empire was completely inundated in pillows (which arguably led to its ultimate downfall. 1-2 should do the trick for starters. The trick is you find pillows that are somewhat masculine. If you can find pillows with ninjas on them - it's worth the investment to lull him into that false sense of security (besides, along everything else he loves, you'll be throwing them away soon enough). From here, add a pillow a week - but never more than 1. Alternate between a throw pillow for the couch and a "decorative" pillow for the bed. (***IMPORTANT NOTE*** - BE SURE TO THROW AWAY ANY RECEIPTS FOR PILLOWS YOU BUY. IF YOU KEEP RECEIPTS, WHEN HE FINALLY FIGURES OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, HE MAY DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE SOME BACK. WITHOUT A RECEIPT, YOUR HANDS ARE TIED.)

By the time he gets wise to the plot, there will hardly be a square inch of living space that is not "accented" by a pillow of some sort. And by then it will be too late. And thus we see that by small and supple things are great things brought to pass.

Living With a Girl

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. However, if the aforementioned man were made aware of the effect such a wife would have on his "good fortune", not to mention his wardrobe, eating habits, manly decorations, waistline, television watching habits and aspirations to become either a ninja or a professional athlete...it should be fairly easy to convince him that it might be a better idea to be "in want" of something else - like a puppy, or a housekeeper or a rattlesnake. Alas, such a man in the throes of passion would surely ignore any such warnings and continue to skip merrily towards that brave new world of marriage.

They say that before a horse can be of any use, it must be broken. So in order to create something "useful", you must first take this wild creature, with all of its desires, hopes and dreams...and carefully and systematically crush its will. I've often wondered, if the poor beast could talk, what he might say in the midst of this cruel process. I imagine that a broken horse remembers very little about its previous life. A broken horse would have little more than a hazy recollection of hanging with its horse-bros or staying out past 10pm. It has indeed become something new and different...but if we could somehow capture his thoughts before the transformation is complete - what might we learn?

I've been told that the first year of marriage is a lot like that period of horse breaking. This wild creature is taken and confined and then carefully and systematically its will is broken...so that eventually it can be of some use. Right ladies? Spoiler alert: when most women look at potential mates, they're looking for potential - they're not looking for a finished product. In fact, women get the same look in their eye at the sight of an unbroken male that a man might get if he were to find an old broken down '67 stingray for $500. "Wow! This is going to be AMAZING...in four or five years" they both think as they rush to their respective acquisitions. And when the purchase is made and the vows exchanged, the gifts neatly stowed and the thank yous mailed out...when the man and the woman move in together in marital bliss...like a symphony at the first waves of a conductor's hand, the process of breaking begins.

And so I begin my triumphant return to the world of blogging. If anyone is still reading this after many, many months of silence, you're in luck. For the first time in recorded history, you'll get a firsthand look at this process from the perspective of the horse. The beast will open his mouth and speak from this no-man's land - neither completely wild nor completely tame; no longer "free" per se, but not yet broken.