Remember the time I ate a burrito the size of Cuba?

It's time once again for a few healthy eating tips from David the Dietician!*
(*note - David is not an actual "registered" dietician in the strictest sense of the word [if by "registered" you mean qualified in any way to give dietary advice], but just because he's never taken a dietetics class, read a dietetics book or [if you want to get technical] eaten an entire vegetable, doesn't mean he doesn't know enough about dietetics to have survived to the ripe age of 27. And if that's not enough, his sister is a dietician...and we're pretty sure these kinds of things are genetic.)

People approach me constantly and ask how it is that I maintain my fantastic figure while consuming a diet made up almost entirely of otter pops, corn dogs and Hostess products. They often marvel at the fact that I haven't intentionally consumed a so-called "vitamin" or "mineral" since 1972. I've always been one to give the public what it wants...and so in response to repeated and adamant inquiries, I've compiled this list of David Keithly's Do's and Don'ts of Dining Dietetically:

1. DO freeze your hoho's before eating. In addition to rendering them absolutely DELICIOUS, this quick and easy solution also helps to burn calories. Think about it - what is a calorie (also known as a megawatt)? It's the amount of energy it takes to raise 1 gram of water 1 degree celsius. So, in order to bring the temperature of the hoho up to a digestable level, your body will literally have to use at least (insert large number here) calories. The more you eat, the more calories you burn. Also, the colder the hoho, the more calories you burn. So, if you have one of those industrial strength freezers, or some liquid nitrogen, you can go ahead and throw away that gym pass.

2. DO NOT shop at Trader Joe's...unless you're buying their holiday caramel corn with peppermint and dark chocolate - OR the candy cane oreos. My reasons for a ban on Trader Joe's are almost too numerous to...um...number. For one - only tree-huggers shop at Trader Joe's. Secondly, they no longer carry the sugar-coated dried pineapples that were, for me, the only reason to enter the store outside of the holiday season. Finally - the word "organic" in Navajo actually means "death to the white man"...and while you may think it's worth the risk to go there and buy your vegan pork tenderloin, you'll thank me when the scalping begins.

3. DO skip breakfast. Contrary to popular belief...and the advice of so-called "experts", breakfast not only is the LEAST important meal of the day, it's also the only meal that was actually created by Satan himself. You'll find this somewhere in the Bible. Breakfast has been proven to increase energy levels and brain function early in the morning - and, let's face it - nobody likes a Spunky Sally before noon.

4. DO NOT, under any circumstances, eat mushrooms. Some people might argue that mushrooms are both safe and delicious - but the thing that they're not taking into consideration is that they're idiots. Mushrooms are deadly...I've lost dozens of friends to mushroom attacks in the last year alone. And while we're on the subject - who in their right mind would want to eat something that grows on urine soaked carpet if left untended? This one may require some explanation - back in the 80s (which was a horrible decade, but that's a story for another entry) we lived in a large house on a golf course. Now, because this house was fancy-shmancy, some misguided homebuilder decided to put carpet in the boys bathroom upstairs. With four boys regularly using the bathroom, and two of those boys under the age of 6, let's just say that the collective "aim" of the younger generation still required a bit of honing. As a result, occasionally urine would end up on the aforementioned carpet. One fateful day, I woke up and found my way to the bathroom to get ready for school. When I went to use the facilities, i looked down and saw that mushrooms (similar to the ones you crazies pay good money for at the store) had sprouted from the urine-soaked carpet. Now, I agree that carpet in bathrooms is a bad idea, especially in cases where at least 50% of the end users don't value "aim" - but on that day I learned a valuable lesson: mushrooms show up when your little brothers pee on the carpet. So the next time you're ordering that pizza and you're thinking - "ooh, mushrooms sound good"...I hope you remember this story - and remember that most mushrooms are made up of over 83% urine.

So, until next time - remember: frozen food is ALWAYS better (and better for you)...and beware the Indians at Trader Joe's.